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 Sabaku no ou

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Takeo Takemori

Takeo Takemori


Posts : 6
Join date : 2010-03-03

Sabaku no ou Empty
PostSubject: Sabaku no ou   Sabaku no ou EmptyWed Mar 03, 2010 10:30 pm

-General Info-

-Zanpakuto Name: Sabaku no ou (King of the desert)

-Family: Sand

-Type: Ranged

-Sealed Description: It looks like a normal katana with a golden bamboo sign on its hilt, guard and sheath. Takeo wears it at his side and when he fights, he uses both, his sheath and his blade.

Sabaku no ou Japane10

-Camouflage: None

-Manifestation-
-Appearance: Sabaku no ou Kishin10

-Personality: Sabaku no ou is a rather sadistic Zanpakuto spirit as he always tells Takeo to kill his opponents, in comparison to Takeo he is a loudmouth. He talks to Takeo in a rather cocky voice and a sharp and harsh tongue, which mostly ends in a duel between them. The duel goes on for hours until Takeo gets bored or think’s that it is enough. Sabaku no ou is twisted and mostly makes Takeo sick. Takeo almost never listens to his Zanpakuto as he usually hasn't anything to say and only tries to cut Takeo down with remarks, and he rubs in if Takeo has done anything wrong. Za sabaku kokuou is a ladies' man and usually speaks with Takeo about girls that walk past them in a rude manner. He likes to explain everything to the smallest detail, what he would like to do with them. Takeo’s Zanpakuto's jokes are tiresome and boring since mostly they are about ripping off heads and limbs off of an opponent or about raping one or more girls.

-Inner World: Sabaku no ou Desert10

A desert with pyramids scattered around it. The sky is black and red with some things like eyes in the sky. The eyes are red with black in the centre, and they are like mist or fog. The eyes are in a vertical position.

-Connection: It represents the complete opposite side of Takeo, the one he hides from everyone around him.

-Shikai-

-Release Phrase: Shini anatano hantaisha , sabaku no ou wo chissoku sasenasai (Smother your opponents to death, desert king)

-Shikai Appearance: Sabaku no ou Icescy10

It is a scythe, with a long chain at the hilt's bottom. At the end o the scythe’s chain is a shuriken-like blade. Takeo normally has the chain wrapped around his back and his arms. The scythe’s hilt is as long as Takeo, so 1,80m. The blade is 25 centimeters wide and 60 centimeters long.

-Shikai Ability: In his Shikai state Takeo can control sand to an extent. He can attack with it, block with it and do many more other actions. He can form sand into objects, weapons, etc. Takeo can attain sand from earth. Takeo can control sand in a 50 foot radius. The sand can stretch 50 feet in all directions; left, right, even up to the air, and it can dig its way through the underground.
Takeo can control sand in a 50 foot radius around him.
The sand’s maximal speed is 45 mph.
Under ground the sand’s speed is 15 mph at maximum.
The sand is controlled mentally by Takeo.
Takeo can transform earth into sand by touching the earth with his Zanpakuto. However, he has some techniques that make it easier as well.

-Techniques:

Name: Sand crawler (Suna no kuro-ra-)
Ability: Takeo is surrounded by sand. The sand makes a large sphere around Takeo protecting him from some ranged and weak melee attacks. The sphere grows arms and/or legs. It can pick up weapons and battle against Takeo’s opponents. The sphere can grow octopus legs, and it can travel through ground with Takeo in it. The sand shield is not too strong so it can be pierced fairly easy, but it is hard to damage Takeo with an attack since you can’t see him in the sphere. Takeo controls the sphere so anything that the technique does depend on Takeo. The limbs of course are made of sand and the weapons are made of sand as well.
Duration: 5
Cooldown: 6
Level: Shikai

Name: Sand sea (Suna no umi)
Ability: Takeo rams his scythe in the ground. The earth around Takeo and his opponent turns into sand, which gives Takeo an advantage in battle.
Duration: The whole battle, except if they change the location.
Cooldown: 5
Level: Shikai

-Bankai-
[[Reserved for Captain class shinigami, unless it is trained for.]]

-Zanpakuto's full name: Sabaku no chi noyouni akai ou (The blood red desert king)

-Bankai Appearance: Sabaku no ou Asurab10
The scythe becomes bigger and changes its appearance. The hilt does’t change, but the blade becomes 40 cm wide and 85 cm long. Sabaku no ou Scythe10
The chain-blade becomes different as well. The middle part of the shuriken is attached to the end of the chain, which comes from the hilt of the scythe. Sabaku no ou Double10

-Bankai Ability: Takeo has the ability he had in his Shikai, but he has another one he can gain sand from objects that are either made of sand or have sand in their consistence. (Example; a walkway is made of cement, cement has sand in its consistence) Tkae can also transform one of his limbs into sand. But only his hands or legs as his organs have to remain in tact and working order.

-Techniques:

Name: Sand monster (Sabure kuchini kaibtsu)
Ability: A sand giant appears from the ground. It is large and with his breath, he can swallow enemies that are either weakened or unconscious. It is strong, but not fast. The monster has an ability of controlling sand himself. Like every large monsters' brain, this one’s is primitive as well. Not able to think of strategies, he is not the best companion. Duration: 6
Duration: 3
Cooldown: 7
Level: Bankai

Name: Sand clones (Sabure kuro-n)
Ability: Clones of Takeo rise up from the sand. They are able to use sand while attacking. They mainly create their own weapons and attack with them. The clones can mend with sand and attack from it. They can travel through the sand. The clones themselves can transform into animals or monsters if Takeo commands them. The only bad thing about them is that they can only concentrate on one action, so if Takeo says offence then they won’t know anything about defense. If cut or pierced or whatever other damage taken, the clones lose their form and become a pile of sand for a post. The maximum count of clones is 6.
Duration: 7
Cooldown: Can be used once per battle
Level: Bankai


Last edited by Takeo Takemori on Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:06 pm; edited 7 times in total
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Yoshirou Akiyama
Gotei 13 General/1st Division Captain
Yoshirou Akiyama


Posts : 229
Join date : 2009-08-07
Age : 31
Location : Right infront of you.

Sabaku no ou Empty
PostSubject: Re: Sabaku no ou   Sabaku no ou EmptyThu Mar 04, 2010 1:47 am

Before you begin to read over this, i have one thing to say to you, and this had better be done when you fix it.

Use spell and grammar check. Also, there is no C in Zanpakuto, but i don't really care about that. Romanaji are confusing as hell.


Takeo Takemori wrote:
-General Info-

-Zanpakuto Name: Za sabaku kokuou (The desert king)

-Family: Sand

-Type: Ranged

-Sealed Description: Looks like a normal katana with a golden bamboo sign on its hilt, guard and sheath. Takeo wears it at his side and when he fights he uses both, his sheath and his blade.

-Camouflage: None

-Manifestation-
-Appearance: Sabaku no ou Kishin10

-Personality: Za sabaku kokuou is a rather sadistic zanpackuto spirit as he always tells Takeo to kill his opponents. Compared to Takeo he is a loudmouth. He talks to Takeo in a rather cocky voice and a sharp and harsh tongue, which mostly ends in a duel between them. The dual goes on for hours until Takeo gets bored or thinks it is enough. Za sabaku kokuou is twisted and mostly makes Takeo sic. Takeo almost never listens to his zanpackuto as he usually hasn’t anything to say and only tries to cut Takeo down with remarks and he rubs in if Takeo has done anything wrong. Za sabaku kokuou is a ladies man and usually speaks with Takeo about girls that walk past them in a rude manner. He likes to explain everything to the smallest detail, what he would like to do with them. Takeo’s Zanpackutos jokes are tiresome and boring since mostly they are about ripping off heads and limbs off of a opponent or about raping one or more girls.

-Inner World: Sabaku no ou Desert10

A desert with pyramids scattered around it. The sky is black and red with some things like eyes in the sky. The eyes are red with black in the centre and they are like mist or fog. They ayes are in a vertical position.

-Connection: Represents the complete opposite side of Takeo, the one he hides from everyone around him..

-Shikai-

-Release Phrase: Mokusatsu goshujin hantaisha tame oujou, za sabaku kokuou (Smother your opponents to death, desert king)

-Shikai Appearance: Sabaku no ou Icescy10

A scythe with a long chain at the hilts bottom. At the end o the scythe is a shuriken-like blade. Takeo normally has the chain waped around his back and his arms.

Picture's used alot, just so you know. Define the size of the scythe. Is the shuriken like blade attached to the end of the chain. And how shuriken like is it?

-Shikai Ability: In his shikai state Takeo can control sand to an extent. He can attack with it block with it and many other actions. He can form sand into objects, weapons etc. Takeo can attain sand from earth. Takeo is able to control sand in 50 feet radius around him. The sand can stretch 50 feet in all directions; left right even up to the air and in can dig its way through the underground.

The ability is fine at it's base; "He can control sand"; but after that, you get a bit...Fuzzy.

Here are a few things you need to explain.

How much sand can be controlled? Is it all sand in the 50 foot radius? (Which is what i'm assuming, i just want clarification)

How fast can he cause this sand to move? When under ground there MUST be a reduced movement rate.

Does he need to use hand motions and such to control it, or can he do it mentally?

How does he obtain the sand from earth? Under his feet? Touch it with his sword? If he really can control all sand within a fifty foot range then there MUST be a limit upon this, as in how much he can make in a certain amount of time. else you would turn the entire area into sand, and just pretty much godmod.



-Techniques:

Name: Sand crawler (Sabure fuku)
Ability: Takeo is surrounded by sand. The sand makes a large sphere around Takeo protecting him from some ranged and weak melee attacks. The sphere grows arms and/or legs. It can pick up weapons and battle against Takeo’s opponents. The sphere can grow octopus legs, wings and it can travel through ground with Takeo in it.
Duration: 5
Cooldown: 8
Level: Shikai

Very confusing and strangely written. From what i gather, it's basically just a spherical shield, that can grow limbs, wield Takeo's scythe or other objects, grow wings too (Can it fly?) And apparently travel underground. All while keeping Takeo from being hurt.

Please just write it in a clearer manner


Name: Sand storm (Sabure arashi)
Ability: Takeo creates a sand storm that throws sand around making it hard to fight. The storm slowly grows up to a tornado. The tornado goes after the opponent and tries to catch him. If the enemy is caught, he can break loose of course, the enemy is going around and around in the tornado until it ends.
Duration: 5
Cooldown: 8
Level: Shikai

Do you know how much wind you would make by causing sand particles to move very fast? None. We're talking about extremely tiny things here. They would barely displace any mass if they're a sandstorm. In a sandstorm, the wind comes first, then the sand that it picks up, because the mass of the sand is so tiny that the wind can easily pick it up. The sand however does not make the wind, and really can't. If you clumped sand together into a solid mass you could make wind with it, but not as individual particles. Because of that, the tornado wouldn't really do anything to the opponent besides hit them with sand. Also, you know that cooldown starts after the duration ends, right?

-Bankai-
[[Reserved for Captain class shinigami, unless it is trained for.]]

-Zanpakuto's full name: Za chishio akai sabaku kokuou (The blood red desert king)

-Bankai Appearance: Sabaku no ou Asurab10
The sythe becomes bigger and changes its appearance Sabaku no ou Scythe10
The chainblade becomes different a well Sabaku no ou Double10

By chainblade, i'm assuming you mean it's attached to the end of the chain. What part connects to the chain? How big is it? And how much bigger is the scythe?

-Bankai Ability: Takeo has the ability he had in his shikai, but he has another one he can gain sand from every object he touches with his scythe. He can even transform Zanpackutos into sand. He only has to have touched the opponents weapon for 12 posts (it doesn’t have to be without letting go)

Erm. No. You can't turn everything into sand, especially not an opponents Zanpakuto, ESPECIALLY not when it doesn't have to be continues contact. You can just wait until twelve posts into the fight and just be like "Oh boom, your zanpakuto is gone".

-Techniques:

Name: Sand-eating monster (Sabure kuchini kaibtsu)
Ability: A sand giant appeares from the ground. It is large and with his breath he is able to swallow enemies. It is strong, but not fast. The monster has varius abilities like making tornados or controling sand.
Duration: 6
Cooldown: 10
Level: Bankai

This seems rather Op. I'm not even sure if this could be corrected. Make the thing weaker, and make this technique have more drawbacks

Name: Sand clones (Sebure kuro-n)
Ability: Clones of Takeo rise up from the sand. They are able to use sand while attacking. They mainly create their own weapons and attack with them. The clones can mend with sand and attack from it. They can travel through the sand. The clones themselves can transform into animals or monsters if Takeo comands them.
Duration: 6
Cooldown: Can be used once per battle
Level: Bankai

This seems rather a bit OP as well, as you have no set limit, and from what i see the clones can't really be destroyed.
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Takeo Takemori

Takeo Takemori


Posts : 6
Join date : 2010-03-03

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PostSubject: Re: Sabaku no ou   Sabaku no ou EmptyMon Mar 08, 2010 2:28 am

Edited.
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Dr. Reaper Jones

Dr. Reaper Jones


Posts : 118
Join date : 2009-08-07

Sabaku no ou Empty
PostSubject: Re: Sabaku no ou   Sabaku no ou EmptyMon Mar 08, 2010 11:04 pm

Everything looks to be corrected um just lower Monsuta-wo suna tabe rukoto duration to 3 posts other wise everything looks ok.

Approved-
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